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The New Epicurean

The Delights of Sex (2)

Erotic novel (chapter 2: To Lais 1)


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Edward Sellon, The New Epicurean or The Delights of Sex, Facetiously and Philosophically Considered, in Graphic Letters Addressed to Young Ladies of Quality, London, 1740 [1865].


To Lais

I am afraid, my pretty Lais, I am in disgrace with you for not writing before, so to excuse my seeming neglect, I will now narrate to you an adventure I have lately had here which will amuse you very much. You may remember, possibly, pretty Mrs. H, the wife of an old prig of a grocer, whom you met here once. Well, she came to see me the other day and, after I had done justice to her charms, which indeed are not to be despised, sitting on my knee and sipping some old Burgundy, for which the fine dame has a great liking, she told me the cause of her visit.

’As you are so generous,’ she began, ’it always gives me great pleasure to oblige you and throw anything in your way that is worthy of the notice of such a true Epicurean. Now I have just received from the country a niece whose father has been long dead and who has now lost her mother, so the good people of the place where they lived, to get rid of the orphan, have sent her up to me. This has vexed my good man not a little—as you know he loves his money dearly; not able to get a child for himself, he has no fancy to be saddled with other people’s. But I quieted him with the assurance that I would get her a place in a few days. The girl is just seventeen, as beautiful and fresh as an angel and innocent as a baby, so I thought what a nice amusement it would be for you to have her here and enlighten and instruct her. You have, I know, a little cottage fitted up as a dairy; engage her as your dairymaid, buy a cow or two, and the thing is done.’

’But,’ said I, ’won’t she be afraid to live in the cottage all alone, and if the gardeners should find it out what would they think!’

’Nay, sir,’ said the tempter, ’your honour knows best, but it seems to me that these difficulties can easily be got over. I know an old crone, a simple, poor, humble creature, who would do anything for half a crown and be delighted to live in that cottage. She alone will be seen by the gardeners, and my niece will be kept close during the two days they work in the grounds.’

’That will do capitally,’ said I. ’You arrange it all.’

Accordingly, old mother Jukes and the blooming Phoebe were duly installed. Two Alderney cows occupied the cowhouse and the new dairymaid set to work. After two or three days had passed, I went one afternoon to see her milk the cows. She jumped up from her three−legged stool in confusion, and blushing deeply, dropped me a rustic curtsey.

’Well, Phoebe,’ said I gently, ’what do you dunk of the dairy? Do you think you shall like the place?’

She dropped me another curtsey, and replied, ’Yes, an’t please ye, sir.’

’You find the cottage convenient?’ said I.

’Oh la! sir, mighty,’ cried Phoebe.

’Very good,’ said I, ’now when you have done milking, I will show you the poultry yard and my pet animals, all of which are to be under your care.’

As soon as the fair creature had drawn off as much milk as she required, she placed her pails in the dairy and, smoothing down her white apron, attended me. We went first to the poultry yard, where Phoebe espied the cock treading one of the hens.

’Oh, my,’ she exclaimed, ’that cruel cock; look at him, a−pecking and trampling upon that poor hen. That is just the way they used to go on at feyther’s, but I won’t let un do it.’ And she ran forward to drive away the cock.

’Stop, stop, Phoebe,’ I exclaimed; ’do not drive him away, for if the cock does not tread the hen, how are we to have any chickens?’

’Sure, sir, the chickens will come from the eggs, and if he treads upon the poor hen that way, he will break them all in her belly, other while.’

’Not at all,’ said I. ’It is true pullets lay eggs, and very good are such eggs for eating, but they will never come to chickens. It is the cocks who make the chickens.’

Phoebe opened her large blue eyes very wide at this, and ejaculated, ’Mighty!’

’Don’t you see, Phoebe, that while he is treading, he is also doing something else?’

’Noa, sir, I doant,’ said Phoebe demurely.

’If you look at the hen’s tail, Phoebe, you will see that it is lifted up and spread open; there, now look; and you will see the cock is putting something in the opening under her tail.’

’Oh, la, yes,’ cried she, blushing as red as a peony; ’I see now, well I never.’

’You see, Phoebe, you have much to learn; but come to the stable and I will show you something more extraordinary. Where, may I ask, do you suppose foals come from? And kittens, and puppies?’

’Lawk sir, from their mothers, I suppose.’

’Yes, but they would not come without they were made; now you shall see what my little stallion pony will do when I let him into the stall of the mare, and some months hence you shall see the foal he has made.’

To this Phoebe could only respond, ’Mighty!’

We went to the stable. The ponies were beautiful little creatures, of a fine cream colour, and pure Pegu breed, sent to me from Burma by a friend.

Like all horses of that colour, their noses, pizzle, etc., were flesh colour, and therefore at once caught the eye. Removing the bar that divided the loose box, I let the stallion pass into the other side. The little mare received him with a neigh of welcome.

’Oh, my,’ cried Phoebe, ’she seems to know him quite nat’ral loike.’

The stallion began nibbling at different parts of the mare, who raised her tail, and again neighed. Her lover answered the neigh. Soon he began to scent her sexual beauties, which he caressed with his lips, his enormous yard shot out and banged against his stifle. I pointed it out to Phoebe.

’Oh, good lud! yes, sir, I sees it!’ cried she, blushing up very red and trembling all over.

I passed my arm round her taper waist and, gently kissing her, whispered, ’Now observe what he will do.’

Presently the stallion mounted on his hind legs, embracing the mare with the fore ones, and his great pizzle began to enter; the mare stood firm and did not kick He laid his head along her back, nibbling her coat. He moved backwards and forwards. Phoebe trembled and turned red and pale by turns. The mare whinnied with delight, the stallion responded.

’See, Phoebe,’ said I, ’how these lovers enjoy themselves. Mon Dieu! how happy they are!’

’La, sir,’ cried the girl, ’what pleasure can she take in having that great long thing put into her body?’

’The pleasure,’ said I sententiously, ’which nature gives to those who propagate their kind; and some day my little Phoebe will feel the same pleasure. But look! He has finished, and is out again. See how the female parts of the mare open and shut with spasms of delight. Observe how she cocks her tail—see how she turns her head, as if asking for more. There now, she neighs again.’

But Phoebe was not listening; she had seated herself on a truss of hay, and with her eyes fixed on the again stiffening pizzle of the stallion had fallen into a reverie. I guessed what she was thinking about, so seating myself by her side I stole a hand up her clothes. She trembled, but did not resist. I felt her firm plump thighs, I explored higher—I touched her feather: soft and silky as a mouse’s skin was the moss in which I entwined my fingers. I opened the lips, heavens! could I believe my senses. She was spending and her shift was quite wet. Whether it was accident or not I cannot say, but she had dropped one of her hands on my lap.

My truncheon had long been stiff as iron; this additional aggravation had such an effect that, with a start, away flew too material buttons and Jack sprang out of his box into her hand. At this she gave a little scream, and snatching away her own hand, at the same time pushed away mine. Jumping up, she began smoothing down her rumpled clothes and with great vehemence exclaimed, ’Oh, la! fie, sir: doantee, doantee. Oh, I’m afeard,’ etc., etc.

But I was not going to lose such a chance and began to soothe her with talk until at length we got back to the same position again. I grew more bold, I kissed her eyes and her bosom; I handled her lovely buttocks; I frigged her clitoris—her eyes sparkled; she seized upon that weapon which had at first so frightened her, and the next minute I had flung her back on the hay and was frigging away at her maidenhead; but she made a terrible outcry and struggled most violently. Fortunately, Mrs. Jukes had a convenient attack of deafness, and heard nothing, so that after a good deal of trouble I found myself in possession of the fortress, up to the hilt. Once in, I knew well how to plant my touches, and ere long a soft languor pervaded all her limbs, pleasure succeeded pain. She no longer repulsed me but, sobbing on my shoulder, stopped now and then to kiss my cheek.

Her climax came at length and then she threw all modesty aside, entwined her lovely legs around my back twisted, wriggled, bit, pinched and, kissing me with ardour, seemed to wake up to the new life she had found.

Thrice we renewed the seraphic joys; and then and not till then did I leave her to her poultry yard and her dairy.

She is still with me; an adept in the wiles of love; not the least jealous, but very useful to me in all the other little affairs which I have on hand. As for Mrs. H, I gave her fifty guineas for her niece’s maidenhead; and although I have bought many much dearer, I never enjoyed it as I did with Phoebe.

So now good−night, and if you can sleep without a lover after such a recital, it is more than I can; so I shall seek the arms of this unsophisticated country lass to allay the fires that recording this narrative has lit up in my veins.

View online : The Delights of Sex (chapter 3): To Sappho



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