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The New Epicurean

The Delights of Sex (7)

Erotic novel (chapter 7: To Thalia)


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Edward Sellon, The New Epicurean or The Delights of Sex, Facetiously and Philosophically Considered, in Graphic Letters Addressed to Young Ladies of Quality, London, 1740 [1865].


To Thalia

I believe, my dear girl, I gave you a full relation of all that had passed here during this last three months on the occasion of that delicious clandestine visit you paid me about a week ago. I am now going to continue the narrative, which I hope will prove edifying to my dear little girl.

You must know then, my love, that I was most anxious to become better acquainted with my wife’s young cousins, and as she was quite willing I should do just as I liked with them, I sent a letter to Mrs. J requesting that they might pass a few days with us. They arrived accordingly the next morning.

’Now, Cecilia,’ said I, ’I want you to leave us entirely to ourselves; so do you go and make a few calls in the neighbourhood.’

To this the dear little wife at once consented, so taking each of my little cousins by the hand, I proposed we should go a nutting (you know what a famous nut wood I have here). The little creatures were delighted and skipped merrily along. Arrived at the wood, they began climbing the trees in search of the nuts, showing me their little fat bottoms and legs without the least concern.

As soon as they had gathered a pretty considerable basketful, I proposed that we should seat ourselves under a spreading tree and eat them.

’Now, my little loves,’ said I, ’while you are cracking your nuts, I will try and amuse you.’

The pretty creatures in seating themselves drew up their legs so as to make a lap to hold their nuts, and as Mrs. J had taken care their petticoats should be short, I had a full view of all their youthful charms. Plump, white little thighs, between which pouted their rosy slits, a luscious sight, enough to fire the veins of an anchorite.

But, as I have no pretensions to that holy character, I was beside myself with desire and ready to eat them up altogether. However, I restrained my impatience with much ado and began to beat about the bush.

’Now I daresay, my darlings, you would like to know where the babies come from?’ ’Oh!’ cried the little Agnes, ’I know very well.’ Then whispering mysteriously in my ear, ’They come out of the parsley bed.’

’Nonsense,’ cried Augusta, who had overheard her, ’no such thing, I know better than that; they come from the mother, do they not, Sir Charles?’

’Yes, my dear,’ said I sententiously, ’indeed they do; but can you tell me how they got into the mother’s stomach in the first place, and how they get out in the second?’

’Why, no, Sir Charles, I cannot tell what made them get there, nor do I exactly know how they come into the world; some of the girls at our school say that the mother’s stomach opens and lets them out, but I really do not quite know.’

’Would you like me to tell you, then?’

’Oh, dear sir, of all things, do, do, tell us all about it.’

’Well, then,’ said I, laughing, ’I must begin at the beginning.’

’Yes, yes, mat’s it,’ cried the little girls in a breath, cracking their nuts and very wickedly throwing the shells at an unoffending sparrow who was hopping about near them. ’Very well,’ said I.

’In the beginning the heaven and the earth were created—’ Oh, lud, we know all about that, you see. But what has that got to do with it?’ cried the saucy Augusta.

’In the beginning the heaven and the earth were created,’ I went on, dogmatically, ’every creeping tiling and all that therein is, male and female. Now, can you tell me why they were made male and female?’

My young pupils looked puzzled.

’I will tell you,’ said I gravely, ’they were made male and female that they may be joined together, just as you saw the pony stallion and the mare joined, and thus propagate their land. There is nothing wrong or indelicate in their doing this; are we not told to “be fruitful and multiply”?’

’Of course we are,’ cried the girls in a breath.

’Well, then,’ I continued, ’Miss Marshall was wrong in wishing you to come away the other day, for, my dear children, you were contemplating one of the works of nature. Now you know, I dare say, that little boys are not made like little girls?’

’Oh, yes; we know that.’

’Well, shall I tell you why they are not?’

’Oh, yes; do, do.’

’Well then, because that little innocent thing of the boy’s is capable, in the man, of becoming a great thing, and nature has ordained that he shall feel a particular pleasure in putting that part of him into that little female opening, of which I see two specimens before me.’

They both blushed and pulled down their clothes.

’When it is in, he moves up and down, and in doing so gives great pleasure to the female, and after a time he discharges into her a thick, milky, rather gruel−like fluid, which is the seed; this being received into the womb and fecundating the ovaries or eggs, which are in her fallopian tubes—so called from a learned doctor named Fallopius, who studied them—an egg descends into the womb and begins to grow, and nine months after a child is born.’

’Oh, but that is very funny, and very wonderful,’ they cried.

’My dear girls, it is not funny, but it is wonderful.’

They both looked very thoughtful; at length Augusta said, ’And would there be any harm in your showing us what this wonderful thing which makes the babies is like?’

’On the contrary, my dear little girl, here it is!’ and upon my unbuttoning my breeches, out sprang my truncheon as stiff as a carrot.

’Oh, gracious, what a funny thing,’ was the ejaculation which escaped them as they approached and began to handle Mr. Pasquin.

’That is the true maker of babies, my darlings, is he not a fine dolly? Play with him a little and soon you will see what the seed is like, and remember every drop may contain a baby.’

’Oh, the funny, big, red−headed thing,’ exclaimed the little girls, rubbing and pulling it about. ’And what are these two balls for, Sir Charles?’

’They, my dears, contain the seed, which is formed in the loins at first, and then descending through those balls pass into the woman.’

’Then,’ said Augusta, ’when people are said to be in love, it means that they want to join those parts together.’

’Just so, that is the end of all marriages.’

’But,’ argued little Agnes, ’do ladies really like to have it done to them?’

’Of course they do, my dear, if they love the man they marry.’

’But why do they like it?’

’Because they feel a strange pleasure in the act.’

’Really, how very odd,’ both exclaimed.

’Not at all,’ said I, ’let me just tickle you a little in that part and you will soon know what I mean.’

’Indeed,’ said Augusta, ’I know already, for when you did that to me while playing hunt−the−slipper, I thought it very nice.’

At this admission, as they had not ceased caressing that great erect prick, a jet d’eau spouted forth, covering both their hands with the warm fluid, at which they both gave a little scream of astonishment and then fell to examining it attentively.

’And every drop of this curious stuff contains a baby?’ enquired Augusta.

’Every drop,’ said I.

’Who would have thought it,’ she continued, much interested, ’how very, very curious.’

’Having now told you all about that part of the business, my dear children,’ said I, ’I must now go on to tell you that the pleasures of love are manifold, and I will explain to you what some of those pleasures are.

’First of all is the pleasure derived from titillation with the finger, as practised by schoolgirls. But this, though very exquisite when first commenced, palls after a year or two, deadens the sensation of the little cunny and, what is worse, injures the health. The blooming cheeks will then become pale, the bright eyes sunken, the skin yellow and flabby. Therefore that is not the enjoyment I intend to recommend to you, my dears.

’Secondly, there is tribadism, or the love of one girl for another, which leads them mutually to gratify each other’s desires by kissing and licking that salacious part of their bodies. No doubt the bliss is great, but I never yet met a girl who would assert that a tribade could satisfy her. It is very exciting, no doubt, but after working the nervous sensibility up to the highest tension, it leaves you still tingling with desire—longing, wishing for something you know not what, but forever unsatisfied. Like that unhappy Tantalus, forever plunged to the chin in water but unable to drink; so I cannot recommend tribadism.

’Thirdly, there is the true and right kind of bliss, when two young creatures of opposite sexes meet, kiss, caress, coo and—time, place and opportunity occurring—join together those luscious parts of their persons. Add to this the pursuit of pleasure en regie, and to these delights of love I will introduce you.’

The little girls, who had paid great attention, came nestling up to me, saying, ’Oh, what a dear, nice man you are, Sir Charles; I do love you so very much, you are so kind.’

I kissed them both and, with my two hands patting each of their little peach−like nether beauties while they played with dolly of the red head, I continued, ’But before I introduce you to your young lover that is to be, I want to say a few words on incentives. Now, while I disapprove of fingering, tribadism, gamahuching and the like when intended as a sole means of satisfying natural lust, I think such acts may be practised if the natural completion in a hearty fuck is to follow.

’None of these acts will then do you the least harm, because the effect of fucking is to tranquillize the nerves and produce a delicious calmness and serenity. Having now, therefore, concluded my sermon, I will go without delay and find Master Jack, who I am very sure is up to some mischief, either stealing my peaches or fighting amain the cocks in the poultry yard, setting the dogs at old Mother Jukes’ cat or teasing Chloe. However, I will bring him captive to your feet.’

I found our young Daphnis at the cottage. But let me describe him to you, for you did not see him when here.

You are to imagine then, a beautiful young girl, but with male, instead of female, attributes, with a polished skin like alabaster, and whose exquisite face is a perfect oval; imagine a girl of fourteen with large melting eyes, black lashes, pencilled eyebrows, nez retroussé, small coral−lipped mouth, teeth like pearls, and dimpled cheeks tinted with the softest blush of the rose.

Imagine a profusion of light brown curling hair, powdered and tied by a cherry−coloured ribbon, rather narrow chest, small waist, and voluptuous hips and accessories; in fine a charming picture, full of grace and elegance, dressed à la Watteau.

I found the young rascal lying at the foot of a cherry tree, up which Chloe had clambered, lazily eating the fruit she threw down to him, while ever and anon he languidly raised his eyes to look at that other fruit which her short dress rendered so conspicuous.

As I conducted him into the nut wood, the two sweet children ran to meet us, and then looked shy, shook their shoulders and blushed. Not so the boy; he went up to them with some gallant speech or other not now worth repeating, and soon they were at high romps on the grass, to my great delight. After a little more of this byplay, he began to take all sorts of liberties.

They retaliated, so that, in a quarter of an hour, the acquaintance was so far improved that they had got his breeches off and his shirt up above his waist; then Augusta falling over the root of a tree, up went her legs; he fell upon her, and then—then at it he went in good style, little Agnes behind him tickling his marbles and Augusta hugging and kissing him with all her strength.

The sight was most fuckrious. His beautiful girlish bottom bounding up and down, its peach−like cheeks trembling from their very plumpness, his stiff little cock, now in, now out; her plump thighs shining white against the greensward and her lovely shaped, hairless cunny. Add to this the various beauties her sister also displayed, and I think you will admit that a lovelier picture could not well be conceived, and I would have given fifty guineas to have had Watteau here at that moment to paint the scene.

At this enchanting moment, seeing Phoebe crossing a neighbouring copse, I called her and, putting her on all fours, engaged her as a performer in this fete champetre. She bounded and wriggled, I thrust; the children shouted and laughed. Sure there never was such a merry luscious scene. But as all things, even the most delightful, must have an end, and Phoebe had been very skilfully manipulating me for some minutes, amidst ah’s and oh’s and Oh my dear love’s, and sighs and coos of delirious buss, she died away in ecstasy. Nor were the young ones long after us. As for Augusta, she fairly ground her teeth in joy.

View online : The Delights of Sex (chapter 8): To Helen



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