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An Account of the Whippings, Rapes, and Violences that Preceded the Civil War in America

My virginity is to be sacrificed

The Memoirs Of Dolly Morton (Chapter VIII)


All the versions of this article:

Jean de Villiot, The Memoirs Of Dolly Morton : The Story of A Woman’s Part in The Struggle to Free The Slaves, An Account of the Whippings, Rapes, and Violences that Preceded the Civil War in America, With Curious Anthropological Observations on the Radical Diversities In the Conformation of the Female Bottom and the Way Different Women endure Chastisement, Ed. Charles Carrington, London, Paris, 1899.

News arrives that the «Massa» is returning; my virginity is to be sacrificed; fears and dread; I am given a scented bath; tortured in the tyrant’s bed; the pain and horror of the «wedding-night»; the «lust of his eyes»; the terror of his tearing, iron-made tool.

Four days passed in the quiet way narrated in the preceding chapter. On the fifth morning of my captivity, when Dinah came in with my usual cup of tea, she informed me that she had received a letter from her master—she could read, but not write—telling her that he would be home at seven o’clock to dinner and that she was to take care that it was a good one.

I sat up in bed, looking blankly at Dinah and feeling a sinking sensation at my heart, for, though I had known that the fatal moment would come, I was startled at hearing that it was close at hand.

I got up, had my bath and dressed myself mechanically, then went downstairs. But I could not eat any breakfast, though I thirstily drank two cups of coffee. All day long, I was restless and uncomfortable. I roamed about the great house with a sort of feeling that I was in a dream and would soon wake. Sometimes I would sit down on a chair with my mind quite blank. Then, in another moment, the thought of what was going to be done to me would strike my brain with a sudden shock that sent the blood to my cheeks.

I dreaded the ordeal before me, morally as well as physically. Even a newly-wedded bride on the day of her marriage feels a little shame and fear at the thought of what her husband will do to her at night. But what could I do?—

The afternoon wore slowly away, and, at five o’clock, I was sitting listlessly in my room when Dinah came in followed by one of the chambermaids carrying a bathtub. Placing it in the middle of the room, the girl filled it with warm water. Then she went away, but Dinah remained.

Since I had taken my bath in the morning, I could not understand why the girl had again filled the tub— and with hot water too. I was not in the habit of bathing in hot water. «I don’t want a bath, Dinah,» I said.

«No, Missy, I knows you don’t, you is bootiful clean. But I’se had orders in de letters from de Massa to give you a scented bath. I must obey his orders, whatever dey is, or he will whip me. Now den, honey, you’ll let me give you de bath.»

I flushed with a strong feeling of indignation. I also felt deeply humiliated. The victim was to be bathed and perfumed before the sacrifice!

However, Dinah had to obey orders, so I told her that she might bathe me. She evidently was relieved, and at once began to prepare the «scented bath.»

First she poured some fluid from a phial into the water; next she threw in a quantity of white powder, which had a delicate perfume of roses; then she stirred the water until the powder was completely dissolved. (I found out afterwards that the fluid and the powder were Turkish preparations used by the ladies of a harem to impart a softness and gloss to their skins.)

When everything was ready, she undressed me. Then, making me stand up in the bath, she sponged me all over with the warm, perfumed water, at the same time praising the symmetry and plumpness of my figure and the whiteness of my skin. When she had finished bathing me, she dried me with soft, warm towels, then rubbed me with her hands from head to foot and with her fingers gently kneaded my breasts and arms, also my bottom, thighs and legs, until my flesh seemed to become firmer and my skin smoother and more velvety than usual.

She then began to dress me, putting on my nicest things. She first put on me a lace-trimmed chemise with blue ribbons on the shoulders, then my finest drawers with deep lace frilling and bows of pink ribbon at the knees. Next she drew on my legs a pair of white silk stockings, fastening them above my knees with dark blue satin garters with silver buckles. Then she cased my feet in my neatest shoes, put on my nicest petticoats and laced me tightly in my stays. Finally she put on me my prettiest white frock. Then she brushed my hair and arranged it most elaborately.

She was delighted with my appearance and, after turning me around two or three times, exclaimed: «Oh Missy! You is a bootiful young lady for true. De Massa will be pleased when he sees you.»

Dinah knew that she had bathed, perfumed and dressed me for the sacrifice, but she did not understand what a dreadful thing it would be to me. She was not a virtuous woman herself, and her ideas, like those of most slave women, were very loose on the subject of feminine virtue. Besides, I think that she considered me a lucky young lady to have attracted the notice of «De Massa,» who in her eyes was a very exalted personage indeed.

Now that I was dressed, she suggested that I go to the drawing room so as to be in readiness to receive the master on his return. Accordingly I went down to the great room, which had been brilliantly lighted, and seated myself on a sofa. I had become dully resigned to my fate, but my heart was heavy as I waited in the gorgeous apartment for the man who was going to rob me of my virginity. If I had had the slightest liking for him I should not have felt the thing so much. But I did not like him. I hated him.

Presently I heard the sound of wheels on the terrace. Then I heard the hall door being opened and shut. He had arrived! My heart began to flutter, though not with the pleasurable anticipation of a young girl wafting for her lover.

But Randolph did not make his appearance, so I supposed that he had gone straight to his own room to change his traveling garments. Such was the case. In a short time he came into the drawing room, dressed in evening clothes.

I rose from my seat. He came to me, took both my hands in his and kissed me hotly on the lips, making me shrink and tremble. Then, holding me at arms’ length, he looked at me from head to foot in a critical way, as if he were appraising my charms, while I stood with flaming cheeks and downcast eyes.

«You are looking very charming, Dolly,» he said. «The frock you are wearing becomes you, but in future you must always put on a low-necked dress for dinner.» He already considered me his property!

«I have not got one,» I murmured, without looking up.

«Well, you soon shall have more than one,» he observed, laughing and patting me on the; cheek. «Now tell me. Have you been comfortable during my absence? Has Dinah taken good care of you? Have the servants been attentive?»

I did not answer the first part of his question, for, though my body had been comfortable after it had recovered from the first severe effects of the punishment, my mind had been extremely uncomfortable the whole time. I replied: «Dinah has taken very good care of me, and the servants have been most attentive.

«So much the better for them. If they had not, I would have made all their bottoms smart, from Dinah downwards,» he observed coolly.

His words jarred me. I thought that he need not have said anything about the women’s bottoms. But what could I say?—

He next asked two or three other questions, which I answered, Then one of the parlormaids announced dinner and we went into the big dining room.

The table had been beautifully decorated with flowers and fruit. The glass, linen and other appointments were of the finest description, and the great sideboard of old, polished mahogany glittered with massive silver plate which had been in Randolph’s family for generations. The dinner was of many courses, with all sorts of dishes which I had never heard of, and it was accompanied by wines whose names also were new to me.

Randolph talked away gaily, eating heartily and drinking a bottle of champagne. I, being nervous and depressed, hardly ate anything. I could only answer in monosyllables, and I blushed whenever I happened to catch his eye. I was thinking constantly of the dreadful thing he was going to do to me that night.

In order (I suppose) to cheer me up, he filled my glass with champagne and insisted that I drink it. But the wine only went to my head and made me giddy without exhilarating me in the least. When he saw the effect which the liquor had on me he did not give me any more.

When dinner was over and he had smoked a cigar, we went back to the drawing room. Seating himself comfortably in an easy chair, he continued to talk, not taking any notice of my silence or making any remark about my downcast looks. He was in high spirits, induced, I suppose, by the thought that he soon would be in possession of my virgin body. He told me that he had heard that Miss Dean had got safely home to Philadelphia, and he added with a laugh: «I don’t think that the prim Quakeress will ever again take to running an ’underground station.’ She got a real smart whipping and she will always carry the marks of it on her bottom. But you won’t be marked in the least, Dolly, as your skin was not cut.»

I shuddered, and my bottom seemed to tingle as I thought of the whipping.

At ten o’clock he rose from his seat and said jocularly: «Now, Dolly, since this is our wedding night, we’ll go to bed early. Come upstairs.»

I blushed furiously and began to cry. After all, I could not resign myself quietly to my unhappy fate. I thought that I had become resigned, but now that the moment had arrived, all my feelings of modesty rose in revolt against the sacrifice of my maidenhead.

I made a last despairing appeal for mercy. «Oh! Mr. Randolph!» I exclaimed. «Will you not spare me?»

His countenance grew dark, he frowned and a hard look came into his eyes. «Don’t be a fool, Dolly,» he answered harshly, «You gave me your promise, and I thought that the whole affair was settled. Come along.»

«Oh, do not hold me to my promise!» I wailed. «You know that when I made it I was half-mad with pain. Oh! Do let me go away from your house.»

«Now listen to me,» he said in cold, incisive tones. «I am not going to stand any nonsense. You are completely in my power, and I don’t intend to spare you, as you call it. If you do not come upstairs and submit quietly, I’ll have you carried up by four of the women, and I will make them hold you down upon the bed, so that I shall be able to do what I like to you at my ease. Now will you come quietly, or must you be carried up and held?»

My appeal for mercy had failed, and I was thoroughly frightened by his threats. To be held down by four women while the deed was being done would only add to my shame. The very idea of such a thing made me shiver with horror. Resistance being useless, there was nothing left for me but to submit.

«I will go quietly.» I sobbed in a low voice, with the tears trickling down my cheeks. (Oh! how wretched I felt as I said those words!)

«That’s right,» he said. Then taking me by the hand he led me up to my room.

The shaded lamps had all been lit, so the apartment was filled with a bright, soft light. I at once noticed that a large bath towel had been spread over the silken coverlet of the bed, and that a nightshirt of his had been placed on one of the pillows.

He closed the door. Then, turning to me, he said: «I am glad that you have come to your senses. I hate struggling with a woman, but I would have had my way in the end. Now continue to be sensible, and let me do whatever I like to you, without making any more remonstrances. First of all, I am going to undress you with my own hands. I like undressing a pretty girl.»

He did the work in a way that showed it was by no means the first time he had stripped a woman. Making me stand in front of the mirror, he unfastened my dress, and, taking it off, threw it on a chair. Then he deftly unlaced my stays and removed them, thus exposing the upper part of my bosom, which I endeavoured to hide by crossing my arms over it.

Next he loosed the strings of my petticoats, letting them fall to the floor and making me step out of them. Then, kneeling down, he took off my shoes, after which he slipped his hands up my legs, unbuckled my garters and pulled off my stockings.

Now, putting both his hands under my chemise, he untied my drawers and drew them off my legs. As his hands strayed over my body and limbs while he was thus slowly stripping me, I shivered, but I offered no resistance. It would have been of no avail. He had determined to do the deed in his own way, so there would have been no use in my resisting.

Nothing remained now but my chemise, and that he soon pulled off over my head, leaving me standing nude before him. As I saw my whole figure reflected in the mirror, I could not help uttering a little cry of shame, and I instinctively covered the «spot» with both my hands, while my face and neck and the upper part of my bosom became scarlet. I shut my eyes’, but the tears forced their way between my closed eyelids and trickled down my cheeks.

Randolph now turned me around, looking at me on every side, and holding my hands so that I could not screen any part of my body. But he did not feel me: when he had sufficiently gratified the lust of his eyes, he lifted me up in his arms, carried me to the bed, and laid me down upon it on my back. Covering the «spot» with one hand, and with the other hiding my scarlet face, I lay trembling while he quietly undressed himself and put on his nightshirt.

I hoped that he would extinguish the lights, but he did not. Getting up on the bed beside me, he removed my hand from my face. Then, clasping my naked body in his arms, he kissed my lips, eyes and cheeks, saying: «Now, my-dear little girl, I’ve got you at last.»

It was the first time he had made use of a tender word to me that night. While stripping me he had not spoken a word, but had treated me as if I had been merely a mannequin.

After kissing me, he proceeded to gratify his sense of touch. Laying both his hands on my bosom, he played with my breasts, squeezing them, tickling them and kneading the flesh with his fingers. Then, bending his head, he took one of my nipples in his mouth and nibbled at it with his teeth.

Uttering a startled cry, I shrank away from him, plucking my nipple out of his mouth. «Keep still, whatever I do,» he said sharply. Then, taking my other nipple between his lips, he sucked it and rolled his tongue over it as if it had been a bit of candy.

I forced myself to lie still, and, after a moment or two, he let go my nipple. Then he stroked my belly and ran his hands several times over each of my thighs. Finally, separating my legs a little, he touched the «spot,» twining his fingers in the hair and pulling it rather hard.

Now he inserted the tip of his forefinger between the lips, making me squirm and quiver from head to foot —but not with pleasure—and extracting from me a stifled shriek: «Oh! Oh! Don’t do that!» I exclaimed. «Oh! Do take your hand away!»

«Don’t be silly,» he said. «You’ll feel something else there in a minute or two.»

With a strong effort I controlled myself and lay quiet again. Turning me over onto my face, he looked at my bottom, saying: «The marks of the whipping are not quite gone. There are still a few faint pink lines on your skin.»

Then he played with my bottom in all sorts of ways, stroking it, pinching it all over, gently spanking it and squeezing the flesh with both his hands. He finished up by separating the cheeks and rubbing his hand up and down the division from the upper part to the cleft of my thighs.

The whole of these proceedings had been intensely repugnant to me, making me feel quite sick; moreover they were totally unexpected. When he laid me down on the bed, I thought that he would at once have advouted me. I had not the slightest idea that I should first have to go through so much preliminary handling!

He now turned me onto my side and again took me in his arms, kissing my face, throat and bosom and inhaling the sweet odor emanating from my flesh. He evidently was pleased with the charms of his victim.

«You are a pretty little woman,» he said. «Your figure is very good and you are plump without being fat. Your skin is beautifully white and smooth, your flesh is firm. You are fresh as a rose and as fragrant as one. I am fond of the delicate perfume of roses on a woman when I have her naked in my arms, and that is I told Dinah to give you the bath with the Turkish powder in it.»

After toying with me a moment or two longer, he laid me on my back, saying: «Now, Dolly, I am going to do the job. To use plain words, I am going to poke you. You will feel a little pain, but you must bear it. Every woman suffers a little the first time she is poked by a man; but afterwards she feels, no pain at all-only pleasure.»

Now the fatal moment had come! Closing my eyes and covering my face with my hands, I waited for the stroke, feeling greatly frightened, very much ashamed and intensely sorrowful.

Taking hold of my knees, he stretched my legs wide apart. Then, getting between them, he laid himself down upon me with his breast on my bosom, at the same time removing my hands from my face and pressing his mouth on my lips. With his fingers, he opened the way, and, immediately after, I felt the tip of his member inserted between the lips of my «spot.» I shuddered and uttered a low cry. My martyrdom had commenced!

Clasping his arms round me with his hands under my bottom and holding me tightly, he began to move his loins up and down. I felt the column beginning to penetrate me, stretching the parts and causing great pain. Because I was utterly ignorant of the size of the erect male organ, and because I was in a state of great fright, the weapon seemed to be of enormous dimensions—tit really was not very big)—and I thought that it could not possibly be got into the sheath.

«Oh! Oh! You are hurting me dreadfully!» I shrieked, beating my hands on the bed and shrinking away from him as much as I could, «Oh! Oh-h! I can’t bear it! Oh-h-h! Take it away! O-h-hl Stop! Stop! Oh-h-h!»

He worked away steadily, gradually forcing the implement deeper. I felt as if a wedge were being driven into me and I was being split like a melon. I winced under his thrusts, quivering all over, kicking up my legs and squealing with pain.

The weapon, however, was driven deeper and deeper until its further progress was checked by something inside the sheath. My ravisher—for such, in reality, he was—had reached the membrane which barred the passage: my maidenhead!

Increasing the vigor of his strokes, Randolph battered at the opposing rampart. The pain grew sharper. The tears rolled down my cheeks. I writhed and I squealed. But, at the same time, I instinctively arched my loins to aid him in his efforts to break through the barrier.

He paused for a moment to take breath. Then, gripping me tighter, he resumed the assault vigorously.

Oh! Now it hurt me! I was small in comparison to him, and the parts now seemed to be stretched to bursting. Stiffening myself and clenching my teeth, I lay groaning as the horrid thing was being driven with increased force against the obstruction.

Randolph quickened his strokes. The membrane began to yield. Then suddenly it gave way, and his member went right into me up to the roots. At the same instant I felt a sharp, tearing pain which made me utter a shrill cry.

Randolph went on working, while I, quite involuntarily, moved my bottom up and down, keeping time with his thrusts, though I had not the faintest sensation of pleasure—quite the reverse. His movements

became quicker and quicker. I writhed with pain but still kept heaving up my bottom to meet him. He gave me two or three more furious pushes, then the gush of fluid came, and, at the same moment, a curious spasm seized me. I could not help wriggling my bottom and squirming from side to side as I felt hot jets spurting unto my very vitals.

The thick fluid, ’as it flowed over the lacerated edges of the ruptured membrane, seemed slightly to assuage the pain. When all was over, I lay in his arms panting, my naked bosom heaving, my face wet with tears and my whole body jerking spasmodically. There was a buzzing in my ears, a mist before my eyes and I thought I was going to faint.

After a moment or two, Randolph got off me and, giving me a kiss, said: «There, Dolly! It’s all over now! It won’t hurt you so much next time!»

When I had recovered a little I became aware that I was wet between the legs, and that something was trickling down my thighs. So, sitting up on the bed, I looked at the «spot» and saw that blood was oozing from it. I noticed also that the towel under me was stained with the proof of my virginity. I was dreadfully frightened, as I had no idea that there would be an effusion of blood, and my terrified imagination made me think that I actually had been split open.

«Oh! Oh! I am bleeding. What shall I do!» I exclaimed, wringing my hands and beginning to cry again.

He took me in his arms and petted and soothed me, saying: «That’s nothing, Dolly. You needn’t be alarmed. Every woman bleeds a little the first time she is poked.» Then, getting off the bed, he brought a basin of water and a sponge. Making me again lie on my back with outstretched legs, he sponged the «spot» and my thighs until he had removed all outward traces of his bloody deed. He then told me to put on my nightgown and to get between the sheets. I did so, glad to be able at last to cover my nakedness.

After he had washed himself, Randolph put out all the lamps except a small one. Then he got into bed beside me, but did not touch me. He seemed to be tired, and, after giving me a kiss, he turned over onto his side with his back towards me. In a short time, I knew by his quiet breathing that he had gone to sleep. I heaved a sigh of relief, heartily glad that all was over—for a time, at any rate.

My «spot» was sore, and the parts felt stretched. I had a curious sensation, as if his stiff member still was sticking in me, and I kept as far away from his as I could in the broad bed. At first I could not go to sleep. I was far too miserable, and I lay crying bitterly for the loss of my virginity.

«Oh what an unfortunate girl I am. What shall I do! What shall I do!» I kept on saying to myself despairingly. After a time, however, my tears ceased to flow, though I continued to sob. Then a dull, apathetic feeling came over me. I grew drowsy and at last I sobbed myself to sleep.

Strange to say, I slept soundly. When I awoke it was broad daylight. Sitting up in bed, I looked at my ravisher, who still was sleeping calmly, and I wondered how he could rest so quietly after having ruined a poor, defenseless girl.

I had a headache and also a heartache, and, on looking at myself in the mirror on the toilet table near the bed, I saw that my face was pale and that there were some dark patches under my eyes. I felt very wretched and forlorn, but my brain was quite clear, so I was able to review my unhappy position with a certain amount of calmness.

And it was an unhappy position without doubt! I was a ruined girl. I had no money, and I had lost my only friend. (I felt that I could never, under any circumstances, go back to Miss Dean.) What then was to become of me? I thought over everything and at last came to the conclusion that I should have to remain at Woodlands, for a time at any rate; after all, it was the only thing I could do. So I determined to try to make the best of my position as it was at the moment, and to trust to chance for the future. As I have already told you, I disliked Randolph. But, since I was going to stay at Woodlands, I made up my mind to conceal my true feelings and to let him think that I was quite willing to live with him. It would be to my advantage to do so.

Presently he woke, and, after yawning and stretching himself, he kissed me, saying with a smile: «Well Dolly, how do you feel this morning? A little sore between the legs, I suppose.»

I blushed, but acting upon my resolution to make the best of things, I forced myself to smile, answering lightly: «Yes, I am rather tender, but I suppose the soreness soon will pass off.»

He kissed me again, saying: «I am glad to see you are taking the affair sensibly, not whining or complaining. The thing’s done and can’t be undone. I’ll make you very comfortable at Woodlands, and it will be your own fault if you are not happy. I am an easy man to get on with when I have my own way,» he added with a laugh.

He then played with my breasts and felt my bottom till he was ready to proceed to more sophisticated endeavors. Then, placing me in position, he rolled my nightdress up to my chin and got into me for the second time. Since there now was no obstacle in the way, a very few movements of his loins were sufficient to drive the weapon up to the hilt in the sheath. He poked me with full force.

I suffered a good deal while the great thing was being worked up and down in the sore, raw folds of my «spot.» The pain made me grind my teeth and utter little cries. Again I was forced by nature to heave my bottom up and down to his strokes and, when the spasm seized me, I wriggled and squirmed till I had received every drop of his offering. I did not by any means like my second poke, but it had not been so intensely repugnant to me as the first.

Randolph sat up and now looked at me as I lay on my back, breathing hard with flushed cheeks and moist eyes. «It did not hurt you so very much that time, did it Dolly?» he observed.

«No-o, not so very much,» I replied in a shaky voice. I was feeling rather inclined to cry, for the «spot» was smarting dreadfully.

«Oh, you’ll soon get used to it, and then you’ll like it,» he remarked, laughing at my woebegone face.

I thought to myself that I might get used to it, but I did not think I should ever get to like it.

Just then there was a knock at the door and Susan, one of the chambermaids, came in with tea and toast. She came to the bedside and placed the tray on a little table, her eyes resting for a moment on us as we lay side by side. The girl’s face was perfectly expressionless, but I felt ashamed that she should see me in bed with her master. My cheeks grew hot, and I did not know which way to look.

She got my bath ready and tidied the room, picking up my clothes, which were all scattered about the floor where Randolph had thrown them when he stripped me overnight. Then she left the room and we drank our tea, which was most refreshing to me, for I was faint and thirsty. Randolph then got up and, taking his garments, went to his own apartments, leaving me alone to dress.

While having my bath I examined the «spot,» finding the inner lips red and swollen. Then I bathed them well with cold water. After completing my toilet, I went downstairs, and, going out to the garden, betook myself to a secluded spot, where I sat down on a long, cane chair under a magnolia tree.

It was a beautiful morning. The sun, though not high, was shining brightly in a cloudless sky of pale blue. The birds were twittering. A soft breeze was blowing. Drops of dew still were sparkling on the gossamer grass and were festooning the bushes, and the air was filled with the sweet scent of flowers.

I felt very languid, so, putting my feet up on the chair, I leaned back, inhaling the fresh morning air and feeling a great sensation of relief at being alone. After the trying time which I had gone through, the calm and quiet of everything had a soothing effect upon me and my heart seemed to grow a little less heavy.

In about half an hour’s time I returned to the house and went into the breakfast room. Randolph soon made his appearance and we sat down to the morning meal.

My appetite was not as good as usual. I felt ill at ease in the presence of the man who had taken my maidenhead, and, whenever I caught his eye, I could not help blushing. He, however, was quite at his ease, chatting away gaily throughout the meal; when it was over, he ordered his horse to be brought and then he went off to the plantation to make a round of inspection after his absence.

Shortly after he had gone, Dinah came into the room and, handing me a basket of keys, asked me respectfully to give her my orders for the day. I noticed that she no longer called me Missy but addressed me as «Missus.»

Since I did not want to be bothered with the housekeeping of such a large establishment, I told Dinah to keep the keys and to carry on the management as before. She appeared glad to hear that she was not going to be deprived of her authority, and, taking the basket of keys, went away smiling.

Randolph did not come back to lunch, so I ate by myself in the big dining room, waited on by Lucy and Kate. When I had finished, I went to the library, where I spent the afternoon reading. I did not feel inclined to take walking exercise that day.

Randolph came home late, so I did not see him till we met at dinner at seven o’clock. My appetite was returning, so I managed to partake of some of the tasty dishes. I also drank a glass of champagne, which I liked, as it exhilarated me slightly without affecting my head. The evening passed, and we went upstairs to my room at eleven o’clock.

Randolph allowed me to undress myself, and, while I was doing so, he sat on a chair watching me. We soon were in bed, and, a few moments afterwards, I found myself groaning and wincing as the dart was being forced for the third time into my still-tender flesh.

Before I got up in the morning, I had twice again wiggled my bottom and squirmed in Randolph’s arms.

View online : I become a «past mistress» in the joyful craft of bottom-wriggling (Chapter IX)

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